


To Call Your Name

by blueshadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Harry, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Male Slash, Mpreg, My First Fanfic, Out of Character, POV First Person, Pregnant Harry Potter, Sane Voldemort, Sexual Tension, Time Skips, recluse Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-11 15:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3330695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueshadows/pseuds/blueshadows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The nights Harry spends with him are the ones he wish would last forever, even knowing that they won't. So when his lover leaves one night and doesn't return, he cannot help but feel betrayed. And on top of everything else, he's sick and tired all the time, and feels no real motivation to live.<br/>So what is he to do when it turns out that he isn't just sick, but pregnant?</p>
<p>Contains Mpreg- If you don't like it, don't read it. Consider yourself warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Random plot bunny I had, and I'm not sure when/if it will be finished, but fingers crossed and I've been thinking about it a lot, so hopefully that means more ^^  
> Some of my tags might be a bit off, in which case, I'm really sorry! Please tell me if you think a tag needs fixing.  
> Please tell me your thoughts! I'd love some constructive criticism, especially as this is my first fic. Hope it's up to expectations (if there are any), and yeah!

He kisses me goodnight before leaving, like always. Like always, the kiss is sweet and lingering, and the look he gives me tells me that he wishes he didn’t have to go. The look he gives me tells me how much he loves me, and wants to stay. But he has duties, and we had agreed that our feelings should never get in the way of what we must do the moment we realized just how strong those feelings were. So he leaves me at the door, pulling away reluctantly as my hands linger on the arms that slowly peel away from my skin. And then he turns and hurries away, while I stay at the door, leaning against the frame, arms wrapped around myself before finally turning into the place I call home.

\--

Our breaths mingle as we kiss, this time with hunger and lust. It burns pleasantly, the heat searing and yet I am addicted to the feel of it as those lips trail down, worshipping my body in a way I had never before thought possible. The haunting touch of his fingers trail across my skin, burning a possessive trail, and I know that I will remember those fingers and the paths they take long after this night ends. A soft gasp escapes me as my love opens me up carefully, taking his time to prepare me fully. I wish that this night will never end, my eyes misting over as his long, elegant fingers brush against something I had not realized was within me, something that makes me gasp in pleasure, and then moan.

Those sinfully gorgeous eyes look into my own, and then he whispers sweet nothings into my ear as his fingers leave me, only to be replaced with something much larger. I bite my lips as I struggle to stay as relaxed as possible, knowing that it would only hurt more if I was tense, and when he’s finally fully inside of me and kissing me again and again, I smile through the pain to wrap my arms around his shoulders.

It takes time, but eventually the pain stops, and when he begins to move, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel complete, as if I had never lived before, never been whole, until he was inside me. And a small, distant corner of my mind comments that it was always like this with him.

My voice rises in volume as I urge him to go faster, my body moving along with the movements of his own as he makes me his. So completely his, I had never thought I would ever belong or feel so loved, and love so much in return. My voice changes from moans to near screams and gasps as everything becomes too much, and I cling onto my love even tighter as the pleasure crashes down around me and floods my body with a feeling I had never felt before- again a new experience- and I am calling out his name, chanting it and whispering to him that I love him. More than the sun and the stars, and the air that I breathe, I love him so much. And as I whisper-cry to him, he fills me with his seed, then silences my words with more kisses, each so soft and possessive and loving and perfect, before pulling out and then pulling me close, allowing me to rest by his side and relax, before finally falling asleep. Here, I am safe.

\--

I wake up alone. He is no longer by my side; he left without a word. I feel a little hurt, but understand that he still has his duties. He cannot possibly stay forever, and at least he had stayed by my side long enough for me to fall asleep in his arms. I treasure the memory, a soft smile as I touch the slight indent in the bed where he had lain before, then cover myself with the blankets once more, content to pretend that he’s still there, arms wrapped around me. I smile again in memory of our first night together.

\--

It has been 2 months, and he hasn’t returned. I do not dare venture far out of the place I call home. It is still too dangerous for me to leave. So instead, I wait day in and day out by the gate, knowing myself safe behind the wards as I watch for a sign, any sign at all, that he might return to me. But with every passing hour, I am disappointed. And day by day, I become more defeated.

I no longer look forward to his visits, but instead feel alone. Was I just a toy for him to play with, then abandon once he had his fun? The pain in my chest is growing, and every day feels more hollow than the last. More than once, I consider what would happen if I died. Would he come back and see my lifeless body? If he did, would he remember me as someone he loved, or at least enjoyed being with? I cannot know. Once, I would have thought that he would think of me and feel love. But now I am alone. I do not know what to think.

It is only thanks to my devoted servants that I do not starve. I live alone otherwise, and in these months, I find myself caring less and less about my health. Why do I bother, when I no longer see the meaning in living?

\--

They tell me that my sickness is not something that will simply pass over, but a sign of something more. I should have known better. Such sickness does not normally last for so long. But what else was I to expect? It shouldn’t have been possible. But it is true, and it has happened. I am now carrying a bastard child.

If only I could find it in myself to get rid of it. But the life growing in me is too precious. I already love what I should not. And even though I’m certain that every time I look at my child I will be reminded of the pain, I cannot do it.

My servants, they force me to care for myself, telling me in earnest that I should do it, if not for myself, then for the ‘little master’ inside of me. They cater to what needs they can fulfill, and some days I even find myself smiling at their antics. They are the only ones I now interact with. There is no point in leaving my home. And anyone who sees me might hurt the one inside of me. I dare not risk it. I am already seen as such a strange being; to give them something more to gawk at would go against my desires, my needs.

\--

A cry fills the air as a loyal servant dabs the sweat away from my brow, and I struggle to sit up, only to be stopped by the hands of a healer, giving me a look that tells me they aren’t done yet. It explains the strange feeling in my midsection, though I cannot see thanks to suspended cloth-like thing blocking my view. So instead, I’m forced to watch as someone cleans my baby and then brings the small, still crying bundle into my arms. Immediately, my arms wrap around the little body, creating a cradle for it like I had seen so many others do before.

The moment the warm bundle is in my arms, the crying turns to soft grizzling, then fades to quiet as the baby’s eyes open for the first time. My little boy’s baby blue eyes stare up at me for a moment before closing again, as if he’s too tired to keep them open. But the moment I see those eyes stare at me, I know I will never be able to let him go.

“His name is Leonis Sirius Potter.” I say softly, speaking the name I had decided on  for if the baby was a boy. The rest of the birthing process continues without my attention as I stare at Leo. Ten fingers, ten toes, and so perfect. He has dark hair like mine, and I can only hope that it won’t develop into a bird’s nest like mine had.

Everything felt so perfect, and I know that I won’t let anything hurt my little angel.

\--

Leo looks around this new world around him with wide, vibrant green eyes, taking it all in with that insatiable curiosity. The nest-hair gene had skipped over him, for once leaving behind a Potter with neat little curls. He looks like an angel, and resembles his father so much that sometimes I forget to breathe.

He points to this and that and asks questions, then listens quietly as I explain. He had been such a good baby, and it continues to show in how well behaved he is now. Finally, we reach the ice cream parlor and I set the boy down so that he can get into his seat before ordering our favorites.

My eyes scan the crowd, glad that the years had managed to change my appearance enough that I am no longer recognized on the spot. My bangs cover my scar, and the rest of what had once been unruly locks are now tied back and merely appear waved, reaching my waist.

Suddenly, I see _him._

He’s exactly the same as he had been when he had left. He has the same dark hair and eyes, pale skin, and, somehow, is still as beautiful as he had been before he left.

“Tom.” The word falls from my lips in my shock, but immediately, I regret it as his eyes seek the one who called his name. I turn away quickly, busying myself with Leonis, even though I know its too late. I can feel the eyes burning into my back, watching me, waiting for me to turn so that he can see who I am. Already, I’m imagining a million different scenarios.

Him coming over and apologizing. Eyes that hold no form of recognition. Hatred taking over his form, or disgust. Maybe regrets and doubts as someone- maybe a wife he never told me about- pulls him away. Him kissing me breathless. A tight hug around me. A small smile that tugs at the corners of his lips. His hand gently caressing the side of my face. Him demanding to know who Leonis is. A look of hurt at the thought that I would have been unfaithful, because he had been trying to come back.

Finally, I can’t hold it off any longer. Leonis is starting to get irritated at my fussing, and seems ready to scowl at me. So I pull back and turn, slowly. Every second feels like an hour, and yet even that is too short.

Our eyes meet, and his widen in recognition as mine close in preparation. I have no idea how it will go, really. I can only hope for the best, but I don’t even know what this best is that I’m hoping for. I only know that I am woefully unprepared for this meeting, and I should have been ready.

“Harry.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read this story, especially to everyone who wrote me such nice comments! I wasn't sure about my schedule, so I was predicting this chapter to come out much later, but thankfully, my inability to take care of myself properly has resulted in another chapter after I had finished passing out from exhaustion.   
> It might be a bit unpolished since I kind of started/finished the chapter today, and then went off to post it here in a rush, but I didn't think it was fair to leave you hanging where I did.
> 
> Littlewebby: In response to your excellent question, "what world do they live in, like is Tom still Voldemort or does Voldemort not exist at all?";  
> Harry had defeated Voldemort like he had in the seventh book. However, through certain circumstances, Tom has been brought back to life (whole, nose and all, and soul intact), and has started over. People no longer connect the name Tom Riddle to Voldemort, as Tom used a spell so that he wouldn't be bothered or impeded by it while he makes a new life for himself (as a politician, because Tom, even in my ooc world, will forever be power-hungry. Probably.)  
> The story takes place ~20 years after the defeat of Voldemort (which, for my own purposes, will have happened in the 80s and not the 90s)
> 
> Meronya: I am planning on writing from Tom's pov, just not sure when it will happen, or how to get into his head. However, I will be using his point of view to explain a few things, such as why Tom left, and how he's alive again.
> 
> Anyways, here's the next chapter, enjoy!

The air leaves my lungs in a rush as Tom moves towards me. I'm caught between the need to escape and the need for answers. Like a deer in the headlights, I can't move and am left staring, filled with conflicting emotions that wreck havoc on my heart.

 

Each step seems to echo in my ears. He's coming closer.

 

I can't do this.

 

I can't.

 

I find myself moving before I can fully think things through, gathering Leonis up in my arms quickly and turning away, walking quickly, then running, before I apparate home, falling to the ground.

 

Leonis peers at me with his gorgeous eyes. "Mama? What's wong?" He pats my face, touching the tears that I just now realized were falling.

 

His innocence makes me smile slightly. "It's nothing, Leo. I'm sorry we left before you could get your ice cream."

 

He blinks at me, likely knowing that I wasn't telling the whole truth, and pouts before nodding. "It's okay. Ice cweam later?" He was always understanding, though perhaps it was simply that in his small world, I could do no wrong. I had tried my best to never disappoint him, despite sometimes fearing that he will end up spoiled. I would rather him be happy than anything else. He’s my world now.

 

I kiss his forehead and nod. "Of course. Now why don't you let Sudsey help you get changed so that we can go on our walk once you've had your ice cream?"

 

At the sound of her name, Sudsey enters the room with a sharp Crack! and bows.

 

“What can Sudsey do for Masters?” She asks, looking as eager to please as always. It is hard to see, from the way she acts now, that she had once organized all of the other house elves and herself into some sort of coalition that forced me to eat and take care of myself back then.

 

“Could you help Leonis get changed?” I ask, my voice more respectful than what a typical ‘master’’s voice tended to be. “I need to… take care of a few things. And get him ice cream when he’s done too.”

 

Sudsey nods and grins. “Sudsey will do it!” She declares, clearly proud to do the work that she does. She takes Leonis by the hand and leads him out of the room, presumably to follow orders.

 

I wait for them to turn the corner before I walk to the room I had kept locked for four years now. Resting my hand on the handle, I mutter the proper spells to unlock and unward it, then turn it carefully, stepping inside, each movement slower than the one before it.

 

My breath catches as I look at what is inside. Every last picture of Tom that I have is in here. I hadn’t wanted to throw them out, but looking at them… looking at them had been too much. So I had placed them all here.

 

Pictures of him smiling at me, our kisses and every happy moment, it feels, is immortalized here. It makes it hard to breathe for a moment. I’m surrounded by these images of a happiness I am certain I will never have again, not the way I had had it before.

 

Leaning against a wall is a closet filled with the clothes he had left behind on previous visits, with his shoes resting along the bottom. It still smells ever so faintly of him, the scent preserved by the charms I had placed around the room when I had still hoped, vaguely, that he would come back. A hope that had been so cruelly and completely crushed today.

 

The hurt in my chest bubbles back up, reaching my throat with a burning sensation, then comes out as a gasping sob. The memories are no longer beautiful, but are a painful reminder.

 

He hadn’t forgotten me. He remembered my name. The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know, and why,  _why_. Why hadn’t he come back, if he was alright? If he had been okay, then why hadn’t he come back? It hurts, it hurts so much. It hurts more than the pain I felt when I had found myself pregnant and alone, even more than when I had been raising Leonis and reminded of his father in his smiles and pouts and even the way he carried himself, though in a more childish manner.

 

I hadn’t realized that I still hoped until my hope was crushed.

 

The pictures begin to smoulder slightly as my eyes burn with unshed tears. They smoke faintly, than more, as the bottom edges begin to curl and glow red, as if consumed by an invisible fire. They burn away, and the closet against the wall is aflame, such a beautiful blue, the color of those flames. The color of the eyes of the ones I loved and love most.

 

Letting go seems so easy now, when the anger is eating at my reason and the tears are falling down my face. Even if I could stop the destruction, I am not sure if I would. I watch, as my hurt and anger fade to numbness as memories become ashes and dust. I don’t need these anymore. I don’t. They only hurt, and haven’t I hurt enough already?

 

Never aging, left behind in time by everyone else as they move on. Made to suffer alone even when surrounded by those I called friends, until finally, our differences are too much. No matter how much I loved them, I could not ignore the way they grew older, and I remained young and youthful. And now I know I have been left behind by To- no, I cannot give him a name that I love anymore. Him. Now that I know I have been left behind by Him. It seems to be my fate to have everyone I love leave me.

 

When I am once more in control of myself, and no more pictures remain, and the closet lies in a pile of ash, I straighten up from where I had curled up at one point to cry. I brush off my clothes and cast a cold glance at the room, ridding myself of any other doubts or regrets. I cannot be burdened by this.

 

I sweep out of the room, not noticing that one picture had survived, fallen into a darkened corner.

 

\--

 

“Leonis, I love you.” I say the moment I sweep into the smaller dining room, gathering him up in my arms to hold him tight.

 

He squirms uncomfortably at my tight hold, and I only hold it for a second longer before letting him go. “Wuve you too, mama.” He says, looking at me with the critical eye of a three year old. “Mama, why are your eyes wed?”

 

I smile and kiss his forehead. “I was just remembering.” I tell him, like I had told him before. He gives me a solemn nod in response, making me smile more. I had told him, when he had first asked, that I was remembering my old friends and family who I couldn’t see anymore. Not a true lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth. And when he had asked why I couldn’t see them anymore, I had simply given a small, sad smile. And he never asked about it again.

 

I sit down across from him and grin. “So, what ice cream did you get today?”

 

\--

 

A few weeks had passed, and there had been no change in my usual routine. I would spend the morning reading and relaxing in the library while the houselves took care of Leonis’s more basic education, helping him go over words and letters and sentences. Already, he has started to read on his own. After lunch, we spend the afternoon together, taking walks through the extensive gardens or rides on horses, or broomsticks, or swimming in the pool, or anything else that comes to mind.

 

But on that Monday, finally, Leonis asks if we can go out once more. He had been keeping his curiosity to himself, I know. Had stopped himself from requesting another visit to the outside world for so long because he felt that I had never taken him before because it was hard for me to do so, or maybe he knew the man who knew my name was the reason why I was avoiding it now. But a child’s curiosity can only be held back for so long before it’s too much.

 

He asks me in a hesitant voice, as if he thinks I might say no, and get angry. So I smile at him reassuringly and nod. I cannot hide forever. I will not allow Him to dictate my life.

 

So we leave for the outside world again.

 

\--

 

An owl finds us. It looks a bit ragged and put out, as well as exhausted, as if it had been looking for us for a long, long time. It sticks its leg out to me demandingly despite its exhaustion and hoots an imperious hoot, commanding me to take its burden from it.

 

I obey, untying the letter with care and stroking the head of the owl, making it close its eyes as it relaxes into the touch. Leonis stares at the owl curiously, and then reaches out, his own small fingers imitating my own in more cautious motions.

 

The owl shuffles closer to Leonis, encouraging the petting as I stop to read the letter.

 

_Please meet me. Send the time and place with Clark- the owl. He can find me._

 

The note is short, not even a letter, really. And though it is not signed, I know who it’s from. That neat, perfect  handwriting is unmistakable.

 

It has me angry again. What right did He think he had, to ask to meet me? He was the one who had left without a word, without warning. Left after I had finally given him everything. And now he wanted to meet me? Was breaking my heart not enough then, so he would take Leonis, my soul, away from me as well?

 

In anger, I almost crumple the note up. But Clark fixes his yellow eyes on me and hoots indignantly, clearly demanding a reply. He doesn’t look like he will leave without one, and it is clear to me that he belongs to Him. And I do not want anything of His.

 

With a glare, I conjure a pre-inked quill and scribble my response quickly onto the back of the parchment.

 

_No._

 

I tie the response to Clark’s leg, then shoo him away. Leonis watches him go wistfully, and I begin to think that maybe I should get him an owl, or perhaps a kneazle, as a pet, just in case he ever gets lonely, or wants a friend to confide in when he can’t come to me.

 

And maybe a little bit of me also wants to get him a pet because I’m afraid that He will use pets or the like to take my baby away from me. I can think of no other reason why he would want to see me after so long without any word.

 

Maybe he’s always been using me. Every last kiss was a lie. It had to be. 


	3. Valentine's Day Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place either before or during the first time skip in chapter one.  
> Tom and Harry's first V-day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's not an actual chapter, but I thought of this recently and then just wrote it all out before I knew it, so hopefully this will tide you over until I get the next chapter out. It's a lot of fluff and sweetness...  
> Also completely written on my phone using swype, so there may be a few weird words that seem out of place.  
> Enjoy!

I look at the box of chocolates in front of me. Was this really a good idea? Tom didn't actually celebrate muggle holidays, but would it be alright to make this one exception?

But before I can decide to change my mind, the door opens, making me grab the box and turn quickly, hiding the box behind my back.

Yeah.because this isn't suspicious at all.

"T-Tom! You're here! I wasn’t expecting you do soon." My voice is slightly higher than usual, by about an octave or so, if I were to guess. It makes me mentally wince.

He lifts a brow at me. "Didn't we agree to meet at this time?" He asks. Amusement colours the edges of his voice.

My cheeks are definitely at least pink, if not red, judging by the heat I feel there. "Um... yeah, we did. But-"

He smiles and crosses over to give me a kiss. "I've missed you."

I lean into the kiss, enjoying it. It isn't demanding or hungry, but it's sweet and perfect. From what Tom's told me of what he does and how he presents himself, I doubt that anyone would believe him capable of such sweetness. 

When he pulls back, he smiles at me. "Now why don't you show me what you're hiding behind your back?" He suggests, caressing my face gently.

I hesitate, but then show him the box, offering it to him. "I know you don't like muggle holidays, but I... happy Valentine's Day?" I hate how it ends up sounding like a question.

I hate how he's staring at the box without speaking even more. "It was a stupid idea, I know-"

"Thank you." He sounds sincere as he takes the box and opens it, revealing the chocolates inside. 

"They probably don't taste good. I made them, and I probably messed up, and used too much sugar or something and I'm sorry, I got a bit enthusiastic with the... decorating..." I can't remember any occasion where my cheeks felt as red as they feel right now. 

He looks up at me and smiles. "They're beautiful." He says before placing one into his mouth. His eyes close, maybe to hide that he doesn't like it, then open.

"It's delicious. Here, try one." With that he pops another into his mouth, then leans in, kissing me, then pushing the chocolate into my mouth.

Immediately, my mouth is flooded with the lightly sweetened chocolaty taste. A slightly indecent moan may or may not have escaped me as Tom's tongue brushed against mine, making it so that we share the chocolate.

"Good, right?" His voice brings me somewhat out of my daze, and I nod, thinking about the kiss more than the chocolate. He smirks knowingly at me before taking me by the waist and escorting me out of the room.

\--

He leads me over to a spread blanket by the lake, and I smile in delight at him. "You did this?"

He nods and helps me sit down, something that I'd normally get irritated with, but today it makes me feel almost giddy. "For you, this is nothing." He says.

He summons the food from the picnic basket and sets them all down with such ease that it's as if this is something he does every day. 

The wine pours itself into two glasses that float over into our respective hands.

"Cheers." I say, lifting my glass to his and taking a sip. Even someone who has little appreciation for most wines can tell that this one is amazing, and I savor the taste.

He looks at me warmly, making my stomach feel as if there are thousand of butterflies in it.

We eat as we make small talk, sharing laughter and smiles, and when we're done, Tom vanishes the silverware and let's me lean on him as he reads aloud, making me giggle with his sarcastic interjections and questions.

When it begins get dark, he scoops me up in his arms and carries me inside despite my, albeit weak, protests. 

When we arrive at the dining room an hour or so later, he pulls out a chair for me and then pushes it in one I'm seated before sitting across from me.

Over a dinner of caramelized salmon- which surprised me with how good it tasted, he continues to be the perfect gentleman, hand holding over the table not included. 

\--

After that perfect dinner, he gives me that gorgeous smile and says that he can spend the night. My heart begins to thud loudly in my throat at his words, wondering if he meant to take our relationship further.

He must've seen my slightly panicked expression, because he smiles and reassures me that he has no ulterior motives by saying "I just want to hold you while I sleep."

At this, I relax and then nod. "My room is this way." I say, shyly, then lead him to my room and open the door, walking in and watching Tom nervously.

"Um, I need to change, and shower. I'll be right back." I tell him before disappearing into the bathroom.

Once the door closes behind me, I take a few deep breaths to calm myself before finally moving towards the shower, washing up quickly.

I hesitate at the door, not sure if I'm ready for something like this. What if I wake Tom up with my nightmares? But staying in here won't help anything, and so I muster up the courage to leave.

I'm greeted with the sight of Tom's bare chest, which is somehow one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. The most being his eyes. Or maybe his lips.

"Ready for bed?" He inquires. I nod and shuffle over, feeling not just a little awkward as my arms wrap around Tom's waist. He even smells beautiful, he's so perfect. 

He once more lifts me up, then carries me over before placing me down gently onto the mattress. 

He kisses me good night and tucks me in before laying down next to me, not pushing any further. 

I watch him as his breathing slows and evens out, signaling that he'd fallen asleep. He's so beautiful like this. And he knows exactly how to make me comfortable. 

After looking at him for a few more minutes, my eyes close, sleep taking over my body.

Tom's eyes open when mine finally close for the night, and he poses another gentle kiss to my forehead before actually falling asleep.

That night, I don't dream.

That morning, I wake up with my arms wrapped around Tom, face pressed towards his chest as he absently strokes my hair. 

He notices that I'm awake and gives me a good morning kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so late! I spent a whole week barely home long enough to sleep, another week away, and then spent this week being sick...  
> But anyways, here's the next chapter!  
> (And yes, it's from Tom's POV this time)
> 
> Enjoy!

_No._

 

A wry smile forms as I look at the reply Harry has sent me. I shouldn't have expected anything else. No matter. I'll go to him.

 

I get up and walk to the floo, throwing in a pinch of floo powder, disappearing in a blaze of green flames.

 

How foolish of Harry to think that I wouldn't have a backup plan in case he said no.

 

\--

 

I spell the ash off of my robes in a simple, concise movement as I step out of the fireplace. Concentrating on the tracking charm I had placed on him, I head out and onto the streets, following the mental nudges that push me in the right direction.

 

Soon, I find myself standing behind Harry, in his arms a sleeping child who looks almost exactly like me.

 

I grab his arm in a gentle but firm grip.

 

"Harry, hear me out."

 

He freezes at the sound of my voice, but doesn't turn around. His whole body is tense, as if he's expecting a fight.

 

"I have nothing to say to you." He says coldly. "And nothing that you say now could make what you've done better."

 

He attempts to pull his arm out of my hold, but I only tighten my grip, pulling him closer.

 

"Hear me out, Harry. Please." It is easier than I would have thought possible, to say words that would place another in a position of power over me to him. "I can explain."

 

Finally he turns, his brilliant green eyes staring into mine. There's none of the softness that there used to be, only a cold, determinedly unfeeling wall.

 

"Explain what? Why you left? I know why you left. I was only a plaything, a no one for you to manipulate and use. You never loved me. You don't know what love is."

 

The hurt is evident in the way he speaks, and he again makes to break away from my grasp, only for me to pull him close.

 

"Let me explain." I persist, needing him to understand. "I'll tell you everything I can."

 

He continues to give me that hardened look, but then inclined his head ever so slightly. "Fine. Let me get Leonis home first." And then he calls for his house elf, who arrives immediately.

 

"Master be needing Sudsey?" I don't miss the glare she sends my way as she speaks.

 

"Please take Leonis home. Tell him that I'm... busy, if he wakes up before I'm back and asks. I trust you to be able to distract him."

 

"Sudsey will do it!" She declares, taking the sleeping boy, Leonis, into her arms and bowing before leaving with another sharp crack. I do not know whether I ought to be amused or not that she had sent me another glare before leaving, cooing to 'the little master'.

 

I offer Harry my arm, and he stares at it suspiciously before taking it. As if my arm were capable of doing him harm.

 

This whole time, I ignore the stabbing feeling in my chest.

 

\--

 

Harry sits stiffly as I lounge, affecting ease that I do not really feel.

 

"Explain." He says shortly. It is strange how someone who clearly holds the power in a situation can look so uncomfortable. But then again, Harry had always reacted differently. It was and is part of his charm.

 

I take a deep breath to settle my thoughts, my body unconsciously going through the motions of self-soothing while making it appear as if I have all the patience and control in the world. It is a shell I've grown accustomed to, so much so that I slip into it without thought.

 

"Don't do that." Harry snaps.

 

Immediately, I cease my movements, which likely came off as a form of power play to him.

 

Another deep breath. "That night, I got...scared." I finally admit it. It's hard to say, and while it is the truth, it is also likely what would make Harry most forgiving. "I realized that you're my weakness, and that if anyone had you, I would do anything to get you back."

 

Harry continues to watch, not impressed. He doesn’t believe me, that much is clear. He has that expressionless mask on, and his index and middle fingers begin to tap, as if he’s waiting for me to tell the truth. The truth that I’ve already told him, but that he doesn’t believe. Not yet, anyways.

 

“I didn’t mean to stay away for so long.” Still, that disbelieving look. “I was going to come back, but work got in the way. I was away in far east Asia for the rest of that year, cleaning up after the minister’s mistakes.” Just thinking about the minister’s ineptitude makes me frustrated. One would think that the downfall of a dark lord would make way for a better government, but no. The magical society of Britain remained under the rule of pitifully unskilled ministers. Had they been powerful enough, I would have thought that each one had Confounded or maybe even Imperiused the whole of Wizarding Britain to get voted in. Sadly, it was simply that the wizarding population is simply too mindless to understand just how terrible the minister candidates that they vote for are.

 

Harry looks slightly curious for a moment, but then recomposes himself, refusing to let anything through his mask for more than a few seconds at most.

 

“That doesn’t explain the other two years.” He points out, now crossing his arms.

 

I sigh. This was going to be harder than I had thought. But what had to be done would be done.

 

-flashback-

 

Finally, I’m home. I remove my outer robe, hanging it on the hook, then stretch out, taking care to make sure every muscle has been suitably loosened, before going to take a shower.

 

Foolish as I was,I never noticed the intruder until it was too late.

 

A flash of light, then nothingness.

 

Time passes by, irrelevant to me as I find myself under some strange spell. It is not imperio, for there had been no green smoke, but something else. I find myself aware of everything, and unable to fight back.

 

Eventually, I stop fighting the spell. It seems pointless to do so when its hold on me never seems to weaken. But it is then, when I stop fighting, that the spell weakens.

 

I stir, hope of freedom rising, and fight back again, only for the heavy binding of the spell to tighten once more.

 

So I stop fighting, gradually. As well as I can, I affect compliance and obedience. And with each step closer to giving up, I become closer to being freed.

 

Freedom. I can taste it now, so close, so very tantalizingly close. But every time I attempt to test the spell's strength, it tightens its hold on me.

 

Enough. Though I don't know how much time has passed, it has gone on long enough. Instead of testing the boundaries, I allow myself to go completely limp, in a sense. All of the fight leaves my body. Even my carefully constructed and maintained occlumen walls were allowed to crumble and fall.

 

In the moment when I finally am freed, I strike, using the wand that the fools hadn't bothered to take away to escape and simultaneously pull the building down, while preserving the magical signatures within.

 

When I apparate to the ministry, everyone seems shocked to see me. Apparently, I had asked for indefinite leave, and been granted it. I don't recall such a ridiculous request, but it must be, for the record says as much, and I had likely been under the spell at the time.

 

So I check the date. Despite my strict self-control, my eyes go wide for a moment.

 

A year. No, more than a year, close to two. I can only imagine how much of a mess things are likely in, and I sigh internally, preparing for the worst.

 

The rest of that year passes by, filled with the monotonous work of fixing everything that had been left to collect dust and rot. It seemed endless, and I curse the ones who had trapped me. Who had they thought they were, to attempt to hold him captive?

 

So during that year, I hunt for answers, taking care to not let anyone notice. I become more cautious. And I cannot dare to go back to the one true weakness I have. If they find him, if they hurt him in any way... I cannot say for sure if I will once more go insane. Such is the fate of a former Dark Lord.

 

\--

 

The scent of blood is thick in the air, and the ruins of yet another house lies before me. A smile curves along my lips, a smile I know Harry would call twisted. And my eyes are cold in a way Harry had never seen since the moment we first met in this second life of mine- or perhaps it would be more appropriate to say my third, or even second and a half life.But such musings are inconsequential.

 

The last of them is before me, cowering, and yet a strange feverish light is in his eyes, staring at me in a mix of emotions that I can only call awe, fear, and much to my hidden disgust, desire.

 

"My Lord, you have come back!" He says, reminiscent of my Death Eaters from my first and half life.

 

My lips curl in one corner out of a feeling most would likely call disgust. This lowly creature believed himself worthy of calling me Lord. How... amusing. And presumptuous.

 

My wand is pointed at the man's heart in less than a second. "Do not call 'Lord'." I hiss.

 

He looks confused. "But you are Lord Voldemort."

 

"Lord Voldemort is dead.”

 

His expression remains the same, and I begin to feel disgusted, not only with him, but even with myself. Was this the sort of person I had gathered when emmassing my followers? It is hard to believe that I would allow such fools near me. And yet he looks too much like one of the ones who used to bow to me and whisper my name with such reverence.

 

“But you’re Lord Voldemort-”

  
“No. I am no longer that man. And I do believe this has gone on far enough."

 

The wand points, and with an almost bored flick, green light pervades the room, leaving behind a body that is now starting to grow cold.

 

And so I leave, vials of forcefully taken memories in hand.

 

-End Flashback-

 

Harry stares at me disbelievingly.

 

The eyes say everything. This reason- this excuse. It’s not enough to explain why he hadn’t heard from me until this moment. And they still hold so much hurt in them.

 

His jaw tightens, and then he gets up. “If that’s all.” He says stiffly, turning to leave.

 

Before I know what I’m doing, I’m grabbing hold of his arm, only for him to pull it away with a yank.

 

“You should have come back, sent me an owl, anything. But you didn’t. I waited for so long. I gave birth to your _child_ and raised him on my own, and this is all you have to say? You said it yourself. You were free. You had so much time to let me know. But you didn’t stop to think about me did you?”

 

His eyes look overbright.

 

“All you wanted was a fucktoy. Well you’ve had your fun. Go. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

And then he turns away again, and this time, before I can once more take hold of him, he’s gone.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be going back and forth between perspectives.  
> If the plot seems a bit incoherent, I can only excuse myself by saying I'm writing this on the fly... thanks for putting up with it?  
> Thank you so much for all the kudos and reviews! (is it weird that I check them obsessively sometimes?)
> 
> Please enjoy!

Burning anger consumes me whole, taking every part of me and bathing it in the heat of its embrace. He has no right to come back. He left me. He hurt me. And I’m done being left and hurt again and again. I thought he would be different.

 

That’s the only reason why I even let him in.

 

But he’s not different. He’s just like everyone else I’ve known.

 

They all left me eventually. Ginny, because I turned out to be different than her expectations of me. We ended up breaking up the day I was planning on proposing. The other Weasleys, for the most part, because Ginny had broken up with me, and it suddenly felt too awkward to continue to even just be friends. Ron and Hermione drifted off eventually, too wrapped up in their own romance to realize that we weren’t talking as much anymore, until it was too late. When they did realize, we were like strangers. George… George, I could understand. He never really did recover from his brother’s death. And one day, the pain had been too much, and he had gone to join his brother, writing a letter to his family and friends explaining the why and telling them how sorry he is that he couldn’t hold on.

 

The others had all faded into the background.

 

And it wasn’t as if I could go out and make new friends either, because it soon became clear that I had stopped aging.

 

20 years had gone by since then, and the only sign that time had existed at all was the change in everything around me. But I remained the same.

 

Eventually, the public noticed, and I had to go into hiding. So I did. And I had never expected anyone to ever find me.

 

But one day, he came. I still don’t know how he managed to get through the wards, for there were and are many, and some that I had created. One has a lot of time on their hands when they go into isolation for as long as I did.

 

But there he was, at my door, looking curious as he studies his surroundings, a tall, lean man with dark features set in pale skin, dressed in fine robes, though he appeared to have recently been in a fight or battle.

 

My first thought had been that he was a vampire, but only a second later did I shake away that ridiculous thought. There was no way that he could possibly be a vampire. It was currently broad daylight, and even now, there was no way for a vampire to stand in daylight and survive.

 

So I had taken hold of my wand and silently apparated behind him.

 

-Flashback-

 

“Who are you?”

 

He stills at the sound of my voice, the wand pressing into his neck, but shows no signs of fear. Even his stillness is something else. Caution, perhaps. But not fear.

 

“A traveller.” The voice that replies is polite enough, but at the same time proud, and curt.

 

“How did you get here?”

 

The man continues to stay still as he answers. “I’m not quite sure. I simply apparated without thinking.”

 

That makes me pause, then lower my wand. Perhaps this is why he had been able to get past my wards? And besides, no one with ill intentions would be able to pass. So he couldn’t be out to harm me. And when he turns after my wand is lowered and simply examines me, I know that he does not know who I am either.

 

As if to prove my thoughts, he speaks. “Might I know who you are?”

 

I give him one more glance before nodding. “You can call me Harry. Why don’t you come inside and rest for a while? You look like you’ve come a long way. And that cut needs to be seen to.”

 

And so the handsome man in the finely tailored robes named Tom with the cut on his cheek and blood on his robes comes inside, and at the same time, enters my life.

 

-End Flashback-

 

I take a moment to recompose myself, straightening out my robes, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. I can’t see Leonis like this. If I do, then he’ll know that something’s wrong. And he’s still too young to learn the truth.

 

In all honesty, I doubt that I will ever think him ready to learn the truth. He’s my baby, my angel.

 

Once I’m calmed down, I go off to find Leonis, taking him up into my arms and holding him close while at the same time being careful not to wake him. I bury my nose in his soft curls, breathing in his sweet, childish scent to calm myself.

 

“When you’re old enough I’ll give you everything.” I whisper to him, a promise. He, at the very least, will not leave me, or if he does (and the thought makes my blood run cold,) then it will not be by dying.

 

-Entering: Tom’s Mind-

 

Have I made the wrong choice, then? But it’s impossible. It couldn’t have been, because if I hadn’t done what I had, Harry might have been in danger. And it is perhaps my greatest weakness, how much I care for Harry, and am so concerned for his wellbeing.

 

An old fool would have once said that such concern is my greatest strength. But the old fool had died. What a great power this ‘love’ must be indeed.

 

But even the mere thought of Harry no longer loving me hurts in places I had not thought possible. It’s like a deep ache, a burn of sorts, that digs into my chest. An intangible dagger that twists in its sheath of flesh.

 

And I had a son. Have a son. With him. A son, an heir… it is impossible, and yet very real. Something that I had lacked even when at the height of my power in my previous lives. And the boy had looked so much like Harry and me. A beautiful mix of us both, and perfect. Even in the brief glimpses I had gotten of him, he had been perfect.

 

So despite the strange ache I feel, there’s also an indescribable joy at having a son. Someone to call family, and someone who I know I will be proud of, for Harry could not possibly raise the boy to be anything but someone I would be proud of. And someone that I would like to get to know, watch grow up and help raise.

 

Even if Harry denies me his love, surely he would not deny me my child? He is too soft-hearted, even now, to do such a thing.

 

And so I set to writing another letter.

 

-Entering: Harry’s mind-

 

The letter crumples in my white-knuckled hand, shaking with tremors that run the length of my whole body. I do not want to let him into my life. Not again. But he knows about Leonis now, and I cannot deny Leonis his father, no matter how much I hate him.

 

I know that he will want his father one day, and that I cannot fill such a role for him forever. One day, he will ask. I know he will, because he is a very curious child, and even if he wasn’t, I can understand only too well the desire to know one’s parents. Parents in the plural.

 

Does it make me a terrible person, that I wish to turn back time and to make it so that Tom never found out about Leonis? Is it cruel to wish that he remained ignorant about his son?

 

Even if I ask myself these questions, I have no answers. And I no longer have anyone to turn to and ask. There is no longer anyone for me to confide in, and even if there was, I do not know if I could trust that person.

 

I look at the parchment in my hand, then sigh. Despite the urge to write back with another ‘no’, I can’t bring myself to do it, if only because I want Leonis to have a complete family, like the one I never got to have.

 

So I call Tallie and ask for fresh parchment and a quill before penning my response.

 

_ Tea tomorrow at 2. The manor. _

 

It is the only chance I will give Tom, and if he cannot make time for his son, then it’s a loss for him. I am already conceding to meeting him again, surely he can make time in his busy schedule for family.

 

-Entering: Tom’s mind-

 

The notice is sudden, but not unexpectedly so. I have my secretary make sure that I am free for the rest of the day after lunch, wanting to get to know Leonis, and to start winning Harry over again.

 

I watch the clock almost obsessively when I am alone, waiting for the moment when work is over, impatient to leave so that I can prepare for the visit, and stride out of my office quickly as soon as I can, though I make sure to keep up a calm facade on the outside the moment I am in the public eye. It will not do to show that I am agitated. My enemies might take notice.

 

-Entering: Harry’s mind-

 

Of all the things I have done, this is the most terrifying. Which is ridiculous. How can facing Tom be more frightening than facing Voldemort, or a basilisk,  or an army of dementors, or so many other things that I have faced. And yet this is the most  difficult? Ridiculous. But true.

 

My hands shake slightly as I help Leonis with his robes today, dressing him up so that he looks like he’s some child model and combing his soft hair.

 

He looks at me strangely as I help him dress, shifting with the energy every healthy child has, and soon finds it hard to sit still under my ministrations, before finally speaking up.

 

“Mama, enough!” His attempt at a more mature tone makes me smile to myself. “Wanna play!”

 

He’s looking at me with pleading eyes, and if it weren’t for the fact that Tom had sent me an owl back confirming that he would be coming, I would let Leonis go.

 

"I'm sorry, love, but someone is coming to see you today, so you have to look your best."

 

Leonis pouts but nods only a little sullenly before lifting his arms up expectantly.

 

I smile and kiss the top of his head before picking him up. "Alright, let's go and see if he's here." I say with forced cheer.

 

The fireplace comes to life just as we make it to the bottom of the staircase, Tom stepping out as gracefully as ever. My grip on Leo tightens ever so slightly before I force myself to relax.

 

"Leonis, love, this is Mr. Tom Riddle. He's an... old friend of mine."

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short, and also for the long wait!  
> I had a major writer's block, then a phase of mild depression since a lot of drama was happening among my friends.  
> But... it felt like I should end it there, so here it is, another chapter. Enjoy ^^

Leonis looks at Tom and smiles brightly. “I’m Leonis Potter!” He declares. The ‘I’ sounds more like an ‘ah’, a childish tone and lisp still inflicting his words. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

He offers his hand, the little angel having decided that he wanted to grow up to be a perfect gentleman sometime during that year after reading stories about knights and princes and chivalry. It makes my heart swell up with pride and joy, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to feel that way about it.

 

I watch, slightly wary, as Tom reaches out to shakes his hand. I know I’m being paranoid and ridiculous, but I cannot help feeling afraid that he’ll take Leo away from me, a thought that has me on guard, ready to force Tom to leave, though I’m not sure how.

 

"I'm Tom Riddle, a..." he glances at me quickly, more of a flick of his eyes than anything, "..a friend of your... mother." He smiles at my baby. "It's nice to meet you too. I hope we'll see each other often."

 

Leonis beams while I scowl, clearly charmed.

 

"Mama, can I show him my broom?" He asks, his eyes sparkling with excitement. I hesitate, then nod.

 

"Of course love. But remember, only in the gardens." I warn. He barely stays still for long enough to hear the warning before he’s running out the door and to the gardens, knowing that Sudsey would bring him his broom, and if not Sudsey, then perhaps Mimic.

 

I glance at Tom before looking away, following after Leonis, knowing even without looking to check that the man is right behind me. I suppose that even a man who has abandoned his lover will feel some sort of attachment to his child, especially if the child looks so much like him.

 

We reach the garden, and already Leonis is sitting on his broom, ready to take off. When he sees us, he grins and waves before kicking off, still a bit wobbly. But I can see that he'll be a great flier one day. Maybe even better than I had been.

 

Tom and I watch him in silence for a while, and I begin to relax. Maybe all he wanted was to get to know his son. I... I could deal with that.

 

"I truly am sorry." His smooth voice interrupts my thoughts, and I feel the dread again, knowing that this wasn't over. He turns to face me. "Is there anything I can do?"

 

I glance at him then away, watching Leonis again. "I don't know." I reply. "I don't know if I can trust you anymore. I... I've only been able to think of how you're here now to ruin the happiness I have."

 

The words slip from my lips so easily, as if they had been running against a wall to get out, and have managed to take down the wall that kept them in.

 

"You left me, the day after I finally gave you everything I could, and you never came back. You didn't even think about me, did you? You probably have hundreds more lovers. You don't need me. We... We were never really together anyways." Ad the more he had thought about it over the years, the more he began to realize that it was true.

 

Yes, he had loved Tom, but he had never gotten to know much about the man. He knew him only in a singular setting, and while that was mostly his fault, he also only knew a small bit about the man.

 

At first, he had thought it was okay, because he knew the one thing that really mattered. Tom cared for, even loved, him. But as time had gone on, he could no longer really see it like that. And what little hope he had left, he suppressed and tried to stomp out. No more.

 

And now, he knew new things, things he had never known. Such as how he was a politician. And he remembered that he had hated politicians when he was still an active member of society, for all their lies and deceit and for forever trying to use him. That Tom was not only a politician, but a very powerful one.

 

The more he thought about it now, the more cold he felt. What if absolutely everything had been a lie?

 

“You were, no, are, the only one.” A smooth voice cuts into his thoughts. “I never meant to leave you. I had to. I had to keep you safe.”

 

I smile slightly as Leonis comes down from the air, making my reply unnecessary. He runs to me for a hug, and I lift him up in my arms, holding him to me. “Did you have fun, love?” I ask him.

 

He grins and nods. “One day, I’m goeen to be a quidditch playuw and aw’ll be famous!” He declares. He then turns to look at Tom. “I’ll eben let yoo zit in the best chaiuhs!”

 

Tom looks at the boy and smiles. “I’ll be honored.” He says.

 

Leonis gives him a broad, happy smile and then struggles to be let down. I lower him to the ground and let him go. He’s running off, and I watch him go, doing my best to not look at Tom. Thankfully, the awkward silence between us does not have much time to grow, as he’s running back, this time clutching his favorite stuffed dragon, which he shoves into Tom’s face.

 

Tom, for a moment, seems shocked and on the defensive, before he smiles and takes the toy into his hands. “And who is this?” He asks.

 

“Dat’s Lowd Smokey!” He says proudly. He had named him himself, at the tender age of three, when I had given it to him as one of his presents. He had fallen in love instantly, and for the longest time refused to go anywhere without it. “Smokey, say hi!”

 

At those words, the stuffed dragon snorts and a trail of harmless smoke is emitted from each nostril.

 

“Lowd Smokey likes you!” Leonis decides. “Smokey on’y likes good guys.” He looks solemn as he says this. “Bad guys get CHOMPED!” With that, the toy decides to open its maw, then bite down, illustrating what would happen if he met a bad guy.

 

Tom laughs, and I cannot tell if it’s faked or not, but he’s laughing, and Leonis is grinning back at him. And it almost feels as if we’re a family. I start to smile before I realize it, then hides it hurriedly. I can’t give in now.

 

\--

 

Once he’s visited once, he keeps coming back. And while I can refuse him sometimes, it is impossible, or rather, unfair, to continue to refuse him. So  he keeps coming back, and Leonis grows to adore him, following him around like a little duckling, trying to imitate him as best as he can.

 

I think Leonis knows, now, that he’s his father, or recognizes some sort of relationship between them. He’s pointed out on more than one occasion that they have the same hair, which he takes great pride in. When he sees Tom reading a book, he insists on climbing into his lap and reading with him. I find it hard to hate Tom when I see him being so caring and gentle with my son. Our son.

 

It’s quiet, Leonis having just gone to bed, when suddenly, gentle arms wrap around my waist, pulling me into a warm chest. At first, I freeze. And then, without me agreeing to it, I begin to relax. Without my knowing, it seems I had decided he was no longer a threat. And being near him no longer reminds me only of the time when he had left me. It had become easier and easier to smile at him, until I was laughing and smiling like I had before.

 

I look up at him, then pull away, turning. “...are you going now?” I ask, cautious. I mentally hit myself for making the atmosphere feel awkward again. Or maybe it was just to me.

 

“Do you want me to go?” He asks.

 

The question leaves me conflicted and confused. I didn’t really hate him anymore. In fact, as he had spent more and more time with us, I had begun to believe him, and find it easier to accept what he had done. But I still wasn’t ready to really have him back in my life. I didn’t want him to be a permanent fixture in my life. So far, I have managed to tell myself that this was only temporary. That I could let him go if he went away again without struggling too much.

 

But now that I’m hesitating, I know that I’ve only fooled myself.

 

Still, I can’t let him in so quickly. He needs to… he needs… I know that I have no real reason anymore, except for that insecurity that I can’t seem to make go away. But it’s still enough for me to be able to pull away.

 

So I step forward and away from his arms. “Yes…” I say it quietly, and then turn around. His face is expressionless. “...I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

At this, he smiles. Suddenly, I feel the briefest brush of lips against mine, and then he’s gone, leaving me standing there in shock, fingers touching my own lips, which tingle in memory of the moment. A heat rises onto my cheeks.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst!  
> Self advertisement here~  
> If you want to read some verbal smut, check out my (currently only) other fanfic, Between Us!  
> It's only dialogue though, so it might seem a bit strange...  
> I had a weird moment of inspiration XD


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the very long delay! I couldn't think of how to continue this (thus the very awkward time skip, sorry!) and then college started and I got really busy. I just finished my midterms, so I managed to finish this chapter afterwards ^^
> 
> Just a little warning, there is a little, tiny bit of nsfw at the end, but it's not really bad, and I'm keeping it vague for now, so really, you should read it anyways! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (bracelet link in endnotes)

braceletbutseemlessinstead: http://cdn5.rnbjewellery.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Massive-Stainless-Steel-Handcuff-Bracelet-Silver-Solid-Men-Cuff-X852-8-3.jpg

After that kiss, Tom becomes more and more daring. It’s not outright daring, I suppose. But it’s definitely a change. 

Sometimes he takes the time to brush his fingers against mine during unnecessary moments- which really, I suppose, would be every time. No one actually needs to brush fingers. But he seemed to take care to do it. Often. And I pretend I don’t notice.

Other times, he would give me the briefest of smiles, looks that linger for just a few seconds more than they normally would, if we were simply strangers, acquaintances, or… friends, perhaps. Looks that usually end with me looking quickly away.

Truthfully, I do not know what we are to each other anymore. We used to be friends. Then we were lovers. Then, ‘we’ no longer existed. And then he was the person I hated the most in the world, more than I had perhaps hated Voldemort. And now… now he was just a mystery of sorts. A puzzle that intrigued me more than it should.

Today, he comes with gifts, handing a small, practice-snitch for children to Leonis. It’s in a beautiful box that probably cost more than the snitch did, and Leonis is more than happy to get both items. Even more so when Tom reveals that the box is actually bigger on the inside than it appears, if only you press a special button that makes the false bottom fade away, revealing a decently sized place for Leonis to store a few of his smaller things to keep them safe.

When Tom explains and shows him how it’s done, Leonis gets that beautiful smile on his face, then hugs Tom tightly in thanks before running off to play with his practice snitch. 

The moment that we’re alone, Tom turns to me, smiling. My first instinct is to feel suspicious. My second is to smile back, then already fragile walls around the place that had once held my love for the man shaking. 

He steps closer, then is soon holding me in a brief embrace, kissing the top of my head. “I have something for you too.” He says, then presses a box into my hands as well.

I look at him questioningly, but when he gives me another look, I sigh and open the box. And find myself made speechless. Inside are two bracelets, one much smaller than the other, and made to match. The larger one is unmistakably for a male, while the smaller one is obviously for a boy. The bands shine in the light, the silver metal obviously of quality.

“What-?”

“I had them made for you and Leonis.” Tom explains. “It will let you know if he’s ever in danger, and where he is, so long as he’s wearing it.”

The amount of thought he seemed to have put into the gift stuns me, and for a moment I stand there quietly, staring at the bracelets that were probably the second most precious gift I had ever received, the first being Leonis.

“Tom… this is too much.” There was no way something like this was cheap. “We… we’re not even…” Not even what? He didn’t even know what he was going to say.

He looks me in the eye as he stops me from returning the gift. “And I want to know if you’d be willing to give us another try now. I swear I won’t disappear on you again, and even if I do, that I’ll come back to you as soon as I can.... I swear on my magic that I mean every word I said.”

It’s hard to believe what I had heard, and I pinch myself to see if this is a dream or not, only to find that it’s not. “You… you’re serious?” I can’t help but ask.

“Yes.” His voice sounds so firm. And I don’t want to think that he would lie about something like this. And he wouldn’t swear on his magic about something he would lie about. He’s very proud of being a wizard, and would never give up his magic willingly.

So I take in a deep breath. Let it out. I look at him, and seeing him starting to look dejected, I can’t help but say it, even though I know his dejection is likely an act. “...I’ll… I’ll give us a try.” 

Immediately his whole everything seems to brighten. His eyes light up, and he gives me the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. And even though nothing has actually changed, it feels like it has. This feeling… it’s dangerous. I’m sure. After all, it gives me the feeling of hope. As if there is definitely going to be a happy ending. 

Well. It’d be nice to believe in a happy ending for once. Even if it was just pretend.

It is that thought that lets me smile as Tom enfolds me in his arms. It’s another thought entirely, not even a thought, really, that leads me to relax and lean against him.

I sigh to myself, wondering what I was going to do, or rather, what I was doing. 

\--

The day after I agreed to give him a chance, he comes back to visit again. I begin to suspect that he no longer works. It used to be that the times we met were rare. He had always been busy. But now he’s visiting so often. I’ve seen him at least once a week now. And today is his second day in a row coming over. It’s… it’s strange. And suspicious. 

“Why are you here?” I ask. I cannot keep my voice from sounding wary. I’m not in the habit of hiding my feelings, after having lived, with the exception of my house elves, by myself, and then with the house elves and my son.

He sends me a charming smile and pulls me in by the waist, kissing me on the lips. For some reason, the room seems to heat up dramatically for no reason. It’s definitely not because I’m blushing. Someone like Tom can’t make me blush for something as stupid as kissing. The idea of it is just ridiculous.

I push him away hurriedly and turn around. “Leo?” I call out, heading out of the living room and to the dining room. 

Immediately, the sound of running feet can be heard, and then there’s a boy with black hair charging at us, then leaping into my arms. I catch him quickly with an ‘oof’ before setting him down, still holding him. 

“Leo, that’s not how we’re supposed to behave around guests, now is it?” I scold gently, hardly meaning it.

He looks at me and shakes his head, grinning cheekily before pulling away. I fuss over his clothes for all of half a second before I’m interrupted.

“Am I still just a guest?” Tom asks, walking forward. When I look at him, he looks to be happy, and I follow his gaze to the bracelet that Leonis is now wearing. “I would have thought I’d be at least a friend.”

A light flush spreads over my cheeks, and at a loss for what to say, I ignore the question. “Leo, say hello to Tom. Don’t forget to say thank you for the gift.”

Leo, either not noticing or ignoring my momentary floundering, grins at Tom and holds out his hand. “‘ello Tom! Thank you for the gift” He says, grinning that innocent and open smile only children are capable of.

Tom takes the hand and shakes it before ruffling his hair, messing up what were normally neat locks. “Hello, Leonis. You’re very welcome. Do you like it?”

“It’s pretty!” He declares happily, showing off the bracelet now that there’s a new audience. Not that Tom hadn’t already seen the bracelet before, but nevertheless. And he plays the perfect audience member, appearing suitably impressed to please my little boy, who beams and glows as he listens to Tom compliment both the bracelet and Leonis’s good behavior.

Tom laughs and smiles at him, ruffling his hair affectionately. He seems like he’d be a good father, if he was given a chance. And he claimed that he wanted to. And I had already accepted his gift. But still, I find myself holding back. It’s easy to break something down, but building it back up, that’s the hard part.

\-- time skip --

It was late, with the moon already well on its way across the sky. Leonis was in his room, sleeping soundly.And I was in Tom’s arms, giggling, face flushed as I lift a finger up to trace the man’s jaw.

“You should smile more.” I say, words lisped ever so slightly. “And you need to visit more too.” I’m not quite so drunk as to tell him that I love him. But the words are there, on the tip of my tongue.

He gives me an indulgent smile but pushes my hand away. “I smile when I’m around you and Leonis.” He says. “And I visit you as much as I can. I’m here at least once a week, aren’t I?”

I pout. “No, you weren’t here for two weeks last month! I counted!” I say, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I turn away from him, not that it does much to separate me from him. I’m feeling very comfortable in his lap, and I’m leaning back against him even though I am pretending to be mad. And I’m giggling.

His hand brushes back some of my hair, and soft lips press briefly against the top of my head. “You know that I had to so that I could spend this week with you and our son.” He scolds gently. At this, my eyes light up.

“So you’re staying over? You are, right? I want you to stay, and it’s your birthday in two days, I counted, so we have to do something special!”

“Where would I stay?” 

“In our room of course!” In my inebriated state, I say it without thinking about the consequences or connotations it might bring.

There is a slight pause before he speaks, preceded by a slight indrawn of breath. “I’d like that.” He finally says.

I beam and turn back to face him, throwing my arms around his neck, cheering, before I pull back and stare up at his eyes. My gaze slowly moves down to his lips, and I lean in.

He’s holding incredibly still at first as our breaths mingle in the space between, then I’m kissing him softly, and he’s still not responding very much, so I keep kissing him, until finally, he’s returning the kisses, keeping them soft and gentle even when mine turn insistent and needy.

He pulls back, finally, when I’m panting for breath, eyes glazed over in desire, then picks me up with ease, standing with a grace that I used to think was inhuman. Probably still is inhuman.

He takes me back up the stairs into the room that used to be for us both, and then just for me. He lays me back against the sheets and continues to kiss me softly before moving back, hand caressing my face.

“Not tonight.” He says in response to a whine I was not aware I had emitted until it was too late. “You’re not thinking straight.”

I give another sound of protest, reaching for him, but he gently pushes my hands away, so I glare instead. “You teased me!” I accuse, as if I had not instigated everything. “And you took me to bed, so you have to follow through.” 

Instead of giving me what I was asking for, however, he simply kisses me again, softly, before reaching to the place between my legs where there was a tent in my pants. He takes me in his hand and strokes me, eyes watching as I gasp and bite my lips, trying not to moan too loudly, until I can’t control myself anymore. His eyes are still watching as mine close, a shudder running the length of my body, as I am brought to completion by his hand, before I’m cleaned up with a quick spell, then tucked in.

The last thing I remember for that night is the comfortable daze I fall into, and the feeling of a warm body pulling me close and holding me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine this, but without seems: http://cdn5.rnbjewellery.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Massive-Stainless-Steel-Handcuff-Bracelet-Silver-Solid-Men-Cuff-X852-8-3.jpg
> 
> I will also start to respond to comments when I get them instead of after I post a new chapter. I realized that this is a bad habit of mine so I'm fixing it now


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after many months of fickle muse, I finally got the inspiration/motivation to finish chapter 7!  
> Now, this chapter feels a lot like a final chapter, I know, and so I want to ask for your opinion!  
> Would you rather have me stop here, or would it be better if I kept writing? I have an idea for what to do with subsequent chapters, which will contain, if they get written, more action, some more fluff, etc etc.  
> Please let me know which you'd prefer!
> 
> And I'm so sorry it took so long for this chapter to get out... I have no real excuses besides my stupid muse/brain. I hope this makes it worth the wait!

I’m having difficulty finding it in me to get up. 

 

First of all, there’s a heavy, pounding ache in my head. As if someone had decided to bombarda my skull from the inside. Not a bombarda maxima, but a bombarda nonetheless.

 

And second of all, there was a very, very nice source of heat next to me. I wriggle closer to the heat, closing my eyes tighter together in an attempt to block out the light that decided to be so rude as to penetrate the skin of my eyelids. The brightness makes my head hurt even more, making me groan in protest.

 

Immediately, an arm snakes its way around and tugs me closer to that comforting heat, a soft murmur passing by but not understood as I relax again.

 

This feeling was so familiar. I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter. Familiar and wonderful, but unwanted.

 

“...what time is it?” I ask, finally, after a long while of debating whether or not I wanted the answer to that question. Or at least, ask the person who was holding me and making me feel uncomfortably safe.

 

“It’s only ten.” A calm voice replies softly. “Leo has already had breakfast and is currently having his lessons with Jazzy.” 

 

I feel alarmed at first, that I had actually slept for so long, but then sigh. At least Leonis wasn’t affected by it that much. I worked hard to make sure he had a consistent schedule, with only a few variances. He needed the stability, like most kids, or so I had read.

 

But still, just because my son’s schedule hadn’t been disrupted didn’t mean that my own behavior was excused. I get up, pulling out of the arms that tighten around me for a half second before letting me go. 

 

Ignoring the pounding ache in my head, I hold onto the nightstand and then use it to get up, then head for the bathroom, rummaging through the shelf until I find the hangover potion that I had stocked just in case something like this happened. I uncork the vial and down it quickly, grimacing at the foul taste, then gasping at the sharp pain and nausea that follows. But it only lasts for a second, like it’s supposed to, before disappearing, leaving behind only clarity, quickly followed by regret as I remember what had happened just before I had gone to sleep.

 

Of all the… how could I have been so stupid? And weak? I stare at my reflection in the mirror and grit my teeth, wanting to slap myself for my stupidity. Yes, I wanted to give Tom another chance, but it was way too early to do what had happened last night! And I had probably looked so… so… desperate, to have begged him like that. And I’m not desperate. I can’t be. I have to stay strong, and Tom needs to prove himself, not just be allowed back as if nothing had happened. The way I had almost let him last night. Letting him be here at all was almost too much, would have been if it weren’t for Leonis. And wasn’t it supposed to be for Leonis that I was even doing any of this?

 

With that thought, I straighten, splashing water on my face to help me think properly and not get distracted. And then I leave the safety of the bathroom.

 

\--

 

That night goes unmentioned, though Tom occasionally gives me an unreadable look. And all I can think of it now is that I’m thankful that Tom didn’t give me all of what I had asked for, because then I don’t think I’d ever be able to look him in the face again. As it is, I’m awkward at times, my resolve from the next morning to put it all behind me not quite managing to carry through.

 

But at least I manage to hide it from Leonis. Mostly. And if he notices that anything is different, he doesn’t say anything about it.

 

Instead, we fall into a schedule of sorts again. It’s the same as usual, but with a few changes. For one, Tom has taken to staying over every now and then, and can often be seen getting breakfast for both himself and Leonis, and even myself.

 

It feels normal, as if we’re family, and my heart feels warm. Even back then, when Tom had been my everything, I wasn’t this happy. I felt as though I was living in a dream, it was so perfect. 

 

Tom, being Tom, came by again on his birthday two days after the Incident, just as he said he would. I wasn’t sure, then, if I really wanted to see him. After all, it was only two days after That had happened. I didn’t want to see him so soon afterwards. But he came, like he said he would, so as the strange, not-quite-coherent family we were slowly becoming, we spent the day together.

 

It was nice and peaceful. A picnic outside in the garden for lunch, then watching and laughing as Tom decided he’d “wrestle” with Leonis, despite usually being the type to stay aloof of such situations. Leonis is so happy, laughing as he rolls on the grass with Tom, and then he looks at me and calls for me to join, shortly followed by Tom giving me an almost childish smirk, challenging me.

 

And how can I resist? Not only was my boy calling for me, but Tom was giving me that boyish smirk that made my heart do flips that I would rather die than admit. So I join them, jumping into the tangle and wrestling the both of them. And then soon I’m laughing as Leonis “growls” at me, jumping on top of me and then declaring himself victor. And Tom is laughing too as he helps “hold me down”.

 

And in my chest, there’s a growing feeling of warmth as I look at the two people I love most in the world, even if I don’t want to admit it. Because these two are my everything, and I can’t imagine what I would do if they got hurt.

 

I finally say that I give in, pretending to die in an over-dramatic display of defeat, which has Leonis giggling and then hugging me. Tom watches on, still smiling.

 

Is it strange that this is all I want? 

 

\--

 

“Harry.” I turn at the sound of my name, looking up at Tom, wondering what he wanted. We’ve moved on, since that Incident, and have maintained a friendly relationship. It wasn’t awkward, strangely enough, though it should’ve been. We touch much more than most friends would, and sometimes we get so close that we could almost kiss, and yet every time it’s as though it’s an accident, and while I blush, Tom acts as if it were normal, and so the awkwardness of each encounter passes. 

 

Sometimes, after Leonis has gone to bed, Tom stays the night, and though we don’t do anything, we do sleep in the same bed, always touching in some way or other. It’s oddly romantic and sweet, and it helps me feel better about letting him back in so soon. Especially after what had happened before. It reassures me that he won’t do something like that again.

 

“Hm?” I look up from the stove, which I’m using to make some soup. The house elves had once fought with me about me cooking, but eventually gave in, so long as I only cooked on occasion. But they did still grumble about it.

 

He pauses with his mouth open, then closes it before he opens his mouth again to speak. “I know that we haven’t talked about it. Ad I understand why you’d say no, or if you’re not ready yet, but, would you be willing to give me another chance?”

 

There’s so much uncertainty in his eyes. It’s the first time I’ve seen him look so nervous about anything, and maybe that’s why I make my choice. Or maybe, most probably, it’s because I’ve been wanting to ask him myself, but unable to bring myself to.

 

And I know it’s strange since I had been so unwilling just a few days ago, but now… not much had changed, but for some reason I felt so much more comfortable. And I still loved him, no matter how I tried to deny it.

 

“You won’t leave me like that again?” I hear myself asking, even though I really want to just say yes right then and there.

 

Tom smiles hesitantly at me, feeling encouraged by my response but not entirely sure yet. And a part of me wants to keep him there, uncertain and unbalanced. But most of me wants to just go over and kiss him again. “I won’t. I promise, I’ll never leave you like that again, not knowingly. I want to be part of your life again. I want to help raise our son.”

 

“You’re already part of my life, and Leonis would love to have you as his father.” I say, but my voice sounds a bit strange. Breathy and excited and nervous. My heart is pounding even harder than I think it did that night so long ago when we made love.

 

And then suddenly, though I’m not sure how it happened, I’m in Tom’s arms and he’s holding me and then we’re kissing and then for some reason I’m crying and I could swear I’m broken because it’s not sad at all, it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

 

And then Leonis runs into the kitchen too, and sees us hugging, me with my tears, then looks at Tom. “Are you my daddy now?” He asks, and then I suspect that Tom had explained to him his plan before, maybe even gotten his permission to ask, and it makes me laugh even as I cry.

 

And when Tom nods and I see Leonis beam, it’s the best moment of my life, and then we’re all hugging, all smiling, and Tom is kissing my cheek as Leonis wipes away my tears.

 

“Mama, the oven is making mawe smoke like lowd smokey!!” 

 

And then Tom is the one laughing as he holds Leonis, watching me jump and run over, opening the oven and rescuing the bread before it burns too badly, and when I set it down to cool, we’re all laughing.

 

And it feels like we’re a family. A real, true family.

 

And it’s perfect.


End file.
